Eat Your Wheaties

Small triumphant child on a beach with

Why You Absolutely, Unequivocally, Must Eat Your Wheaties

Let me be clear: Wheaties are not just a breakfast cereal. They are a sacred rite. A crunchy invocation of power. Each flake is forged from the shredded hopes of lesser cereals and toasted in the sunfire of Olympus itself.

You eat your Wheaties not to live—but to ascend.

Got a dentist appointment? Eat your Wheaties.
Need to win a custody battle against a raccoon for your backyard? Eat your Wheaties.
Fighting a dragon at 3 PM and speed-running a spreadsheet at 4? Better eat two bowls. WITH A LADLE.

Wheaties have fueled champions, warriors, and that one substitute gym teacher with a whistle so loud it violates the Geneva Convention. Eating Wheaties gives you the energy of a thousand motivational speeches screamed into a canyon. Side effects may include spontaneous muscle flexing, inspirational slow-motion jogging, and the sudden urge to enter a decathlon.

If you're not eating your Wheaties, how do you expect to emotionally support your friends, carry the weight of modern existence, or open a pickle jar with grace and dominance?

Eat your Wheaties. Because destiny doesn’t wait for people who skip breakfast.

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